“I told my child to clean their room before we go to the park and they lost it, screaming I can't do this, you can't make me, it's too hard. I stayed calm. I reminded them they've done it before. I did everything right, so why did they take the closest object and throw it at my head?”
Or maybe it's bathtime and no matter what you try, your child runs, hides, or hits when you approach.
Or everything was fine one moment, and then suddenly it wasn't.
If you've had moments like this, you're not alone and it doesn't mean nothing is working.
Often, it feels like nothing is working because it is the wrong strategy at the wrong time. Trying to problem-solve at the peak of an emotional wave, when your child's brain is essentially offline, is unlikely to help. In fact, even calm or reassuring language in that moment can sometimes intensify the reaction.
Emotional Regulation Isn't What You Think
Many parents are taught, directly or indirectly, that emotions are the problem. The goal becomes to stop them, calm things down quickly, and move on.
At the same time, there is often an expectation that children should just be able to handle it.
But emotional regulation is a skill.
Emotional regulation is not about controlling emotions. It is about being able to ride the wave of an emotion without it taking over.
Like any skill, it needs to be taught, practiced, and supported over time.
During a meltdown, your child's thinking brain is not accessible. They are not able to reason, problem-solve, or fully process language. The yelling, the hitting, and the extreme reactions are not calculated choices. They are expressions of an overwhelmed system.
Some Children Feel It More
Some children experience emotions more intensely, both the highs and the lows.
For example, many children with ADHD:
- Feel emotions more strongly
- Have a harder time pausing once emotions begin to build
- Struggle to shift once dysregulated
- Take longer to recover
This is not about willpower. It reflects differences in capacity. Emotional regulation is closely connected to executive functioning, which develops over time and requires support.
Redefining What “Working” Looks Like
Part of the frustration comes from how we define success.
Success is not a perfectly calm child who suddenly agrees with you in the middle of a meltdown. Success is not eliminating tantrums altogether.
Success is:
- Fewer, more manageable meltdowns
- Lower intensity
- Shorter duration
- Maintaining safety
- A parent who is able to stay calm and regulated through it
When you shift how you define success, progress becomes much easier to recognize and build on.
Ride the Waves of Emotions
The key is understanding that emotions do not appear at full intensity. They build.
Like a wave.
They begin as a ripple, grow in intensity, reach a peak, and then come back down. Like waves, emotions, even very big ones, pass.
Each stage of the wave calls for a different response.
Ripple
This is the moment most parents miss. Your child is beginning to feel frustrated or overwhelmed. This is the time to step in early, identify the why, and support your child in meeting that need in a more manageable way.
Building Wave
The emotion is increasing. This is where you become the anchor. Stay calm. Name the feeling: “I see you're really frustrated.” Set the limit: “I won't let you hit.” Offer an alternative. Redirect when possible. Use play or humor when appropriate.
Peak
At this point, your child is overwhelmed and their thinking brain is offline. This is not a teaching moment. The priority here is safety and staying regulated.
Receding
The wave is coming down. Your child, and you, may feel exhausted. It is still too early to process or problem-solve.
Calm
Now your child is ready. This is when teaching, reflection, and reconnection can take place.
Your Role Matters
Your child does not learn regulation from what you say in the moment. They learn from practicing what you have taught during calm and from watching you staying calm through the wave of emotion.
Co-regulation is not lecturing. It is modeling.
When your child is dysregulated, your role is not to fix the problem or make the emotion go away. Your role is to stay calm, maintain safety, and support your child in riding the wave until they are able to come back down.
Even when it does not feel like it is working, your regulation matters. It sets the emotional tone and creates a level of safety your child can return to.
In the Moment
These moments are hard.
It is difficult to think clearly, remember what to do, and stay grounded when emotions are high. It is easy to get pulled into the intensity.
That is why I created a simple visual guide of this wave, with clear, practical support for each stage.
Less struggle. More confidence. Real change.
Yael Davidowitz, MS Ed, BCBA, LBA, ADHD-CCSP